Runners tummy: How NOT to sh*t yourself

plumsThe teenagers clearly think my running style is hilarious. I’m pushing my baby son in his buggy at speed with clenched buttocks. I’m groaning. They’ve no idea how hilarious things are about to get. I’m going to sh*t myself. I have no pants on (they chafe) and my baggy shorts won’t be enough to stop my shame from splattering across the pavement in front of them.

It’s my own stupid fault. I was in a hurry; I wanted to get my run done without any fuss and be on the sofa with a beer by 8.30. It is Friday after all. But my blood sugar was low (2.4mmol/L or 43.2/dL, in case you’re interested) and I didn’t have time to wait for nuts and milk to bring it to a safe level, so I opted for fruit instead. All that sugar will sort me out in no time. I had a banana and three plums. Big mistake.

Within a mile my guts have turned to magma and are threatening to erupt. I haven’t eaten so much fruit since I cut the carbs and the plums have set an awful chain of events in motion. I turn around and increase my pace, scanning the bushes for a bolt hole. By the time I reach the teenagers near my block my son is squealing with joy at the speed. I’m doubled up and sobbing. The teenagers are pointing and laughing.

The communal stairs to the building are the final insult. With every step I heft my son up, my grip loosens. Somehow I avoid the indignity of this all ending on the communal stairs and get through the doors. I whimper all the way up to our floor, desperately trying not to end it all in the lift. The doors slide open and I burst into our flat, to salvation. Just in time.

I share this sorry tale as a warning: runners, avoid plums like the plague, please. Apparently, a plum contains about a gram of sorbitol, a sugar that’s not easily absorbed by the body. They also contain the laxative diphenylisatin and about half a gram of fibre. Hence the arsequake. You have been warned.

The Dad Network

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  One thought on “Runners tummy: How NOT to sh*t yourself

  1. September 23, 2015 at 7:41 am

    Sorry about the misadventure, and thanks for sharing the tale. I have been looking for something to stimulate the bowels pre-race because my usual 3 cups of coffee ain’t doing the job no more. Reckon I could try plums with dinner the night before.

    Like

  2. September 23, 2015 at 8:43 pm

    Warning duly note for when I start running again, which will hopefully be at some point in the next five years! #bestandworst

    Like

  3. The Anxious Dragon
    September 26, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Oh, I haveall sorts of unwanted mental images now. Luckily I am nit a big fan of plums so should be able to avoid that scenario in future #bigfatlinky

    Like

  4. September 26, 2015 at 11:55 am

    I’m not a big fan of plums generally and now I have a reason to dislike them lol πŸ™‚ #bigfatlinky
    Debbie

    Like

  5. September 27, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Lol…oh no, so sorry to hear your near misfortune….very glad to read that you made it to the loo! Good old plums eh! Thanks for linking up to the #bestandworst hope you’ll link up again!

    Like

    • September 27, 2015 at 9:23 am

      Thanks Helen! Can’t believe I blogged about it! The Mrs thought it was hilarious and somehow convinced me I should!

      Like

  6. September 27, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    WOW I was going to do a post about this too! (but may have chickened out) I am training for a half marathon and thought I would start trying to smash in some longer than my usual 4 miles.. So I decided to run 8 and at the end I thought i was going to poop my pants! I managed to not, but it was so overwhelming but then when I stopped it seemed to subside. I googled it when I got in and found out its A THING that runners get! Something about your body concentrating on your muscles your using and also the giggling about! Imodium
    for any long runs for me!

    Like

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